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18 January 2010

Invisibilty and Resentment

I'm going to preface this by saying that Amber and I are apart of the kink community and have tried our hands at polyamory. That said...

Lately I have really been feeling invisible. I don't feel connected at all to the one munch group I have had a chance to go to. I don't feel connected to the trans community at larger either. I moved up to Portland largely for the better communities available up here. To be around more transguys. Even the communities I had been involved with before the move just feel distant to me. I'm starting to feel apathetic to so many things... I post videos and blog posts for myself, other transguys, and the population at large. I have managed to connect with just two transguys since I started this blog and my youtube videos over a year ago. I watch other guys' videos, see their fan base and wonder why I can't seem to attract many viewers. The last video I posted got a grand total of 16 views over the past week. I don't care so much about the number of viewers I get. What I really care about is getting some feedback from people. I would love to know that what I write and talk about has some relatable factor to it. I try to reach out to others but get nowhere.

Another thing that has me up late writing tonight has to do with Amber. I'm not sure if I've become more sensitive/defensive to Amber trying to get me to do things or not. That's not the point of this. Tonight, Amber was trying to get me to move faster and go out to walk the dog with her so she could go to bed as she has work in the morning. I was trying to catch up on the tweets that had been accumulating on my phone since I had to go back to work after lunch. Me dragging my feet to get ready isn't really anything new... Something about our little spat tonight just brought me down and almost had me asking yet again the question I have been avoiding asking. I'm not so sure I want to know the answer to the question that has been plaguing me for a while now. There are times when I am so close to asking that one question: Do you ever resent me transitioning? She wants to top and play with others, specifically women. She goes to women only groups and doesn't think she has any interest in cis-penis anymore. She wants to fuck a woman with a strap-on. If that is what she wants, then I am all for it. I would never want to hold her back from expressing herself. Plus we tried polyamory with a cis-guy involved before and I just felt threatened and kind of jealous I think. So it doesn't bother me in the slightest that she isn't interested in cis-guys, or even just their cocks. I do, however, wonder if there is a part of her that does resent this transition. We don't really seem to play much anymore or even really have sex. Granted our lives are still rather hectic... We're still getting used to our daily routines, spend a lot of time in the car commuting, and Amber doesn't really care for her job at all. All of that does tend to lead to exhaustion and stress. It seems as though I often have to initiate many if the things we do do together. Sometimes I get tired of having to be the first one to make a move or constantly be relied on for various things. There are times I just want to give up any control and be at her mercy... Let her do whatever she wants...

Maybe in time, things will change. After all, tomorrow is another day...

3 comments:

Lee Ann said...

Hang in there. As someone old enough to be your Momma I can almost say with certainty that all the changes the
both of you have gone through in the past
year is coming into play here. I'm not into the alternative lifestyle but just the day to day changes like a new city, new job, new friends etc. is rough on a person & a relationship. Based on what I've read from Amber on Tribes & Twitter she is easy to talk to & not bashful about opening up. So talk to her. Let her read this & then have a meaningful discussion about your fears & feelings. It will be ok.

Amber said...

I don't resent you or anything about you, including your transition. We will talk more about everything else, y'know, when I'm not in another county at my job, but in the meantime just know that resentment doesn't even come close to factoring into it.

JaynDoh said...

I'm totally following your transition and wish that I had something intelligent to say other than just nod along and try to educate myself as you progress.

I have to say I hope you continue to do what *you* need to do. And I understand that not fitting in feeling- granted not in the same context as you. But you're amazing Em as a whole person.