03 November 2009

Moving to Portland

So I've found a great job in Portland and will be moving up there this weekend. My life has been filled with trips to and from Portland, packing to get up there and moving friends to new places as well. The place I will be working at knows I am trans and is very cool with it. I told the office manager during our very first interview over the phone and she just wanted to know if it would effect my work at all and if I prefer male pronouns and what name. She has been so great in working with me. She's only introduced me as Emmett and using male pronouns when referring to me. It is so nice to be know just as Emmett and male. I did give permission for her to tell the staff about my situation to avoid any confusion. I would prefer people know that I am trans rather than have a day where I have problems binding or something like that and it becomes rather obvious that I am not fully male. Plus I would like to open the doors for people to become more knowledgeable about trans issues.

Once we are settled in Portland, I plan on filling the papers for a legal name change. I have decided to change my name to Emmett Liam. The middle name Liam being a nod to my mother who was thinking of ways to kind of include part of my birth name into a new name. I've always liked the name Liam too so it works.

I think that's all the time I have for now as I need to continue packing for the move. I'll update again once we're all settled in.

04 October 2009

Been Awhile...

It's been awhile since I've updated here. So here goes...

I've bee doing pretty consistent video update videos on youtube... No idea if people are actually watching them and liking what they're seeing but oh well. It's been interesting being able to see how my facial features are changing and hear my voice dropping as well. That was the intent of the videos after all, for me to be able to see changes over time. Granted I can see changes little by little, but until I am actually looking at the past videos, I don't fully realize all the changes that have occurred. I'm going to continue to make videos and will probably be updating here less frequently. Just a refresher for anyone who wants to know, I'm labradork1 on youtube.

In speaking of changes, I'm seeing the changes while on the cream. It took awhile for me to start seeing/feeling changes on the cream. When I had my first (and only) injection, I didn't really feel any different but my body was loving it, especially the increased sex drive. After the T was out of my system, my sex drive dropped to nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even a blip on the radar. Took being on the cream for about a week, week and a half before I started getting any semblance of a sex drive again. In terms of physical changes, my face is becoming more angular. Definitely not as round as it was prior to starting T. I'm becoming a hairy beast as well. I'm shaving at least once a week. Getting fuzzy on my cheeks and growing a pretty good little cluster of dark hairs on my upper lip. Arm and leg hairs are getting darker and more noticeable. Also growing hairs on my stomach and back. My voice is continuing to drop and crack some as well. Binding my chest can be a little taxing sometimes. It feels difficult to breathe deeply and just makes life a pain in general. I look forward to never having to wear a binder ever again but as I don't know when I'll be able to afford surgery, I enjoy the days I don't have to go anywhere so I don't have to wear the binder. I think that's it on the changes front...

On to the rest of life...

I just got laid off from my job this past week. Not due to my transitioning in the slightest. Everyone was pretty damn supportive of my decision to transition. The company was going through some rough financial times (stupid economy) and I was the last one hired in my department... I left on a good note and it seemed that everyone was sad to see me go. For now I am applying for unemployment and will be looking for a new job. We may be moving up Portland. More opportunities for me up there in so many ways. There are more job ops for CVTs and the community is better in general. Found a job that sounds really good. Planning to update my resume and coverletter today and email it to the contact person. We'll see how things go.

Last time I talked with my mom, I asked her if she had told my grandparents. She had and apparently things went fine. My grandfather was of the mindset that if I was going to be happier because of my decision, then so be it. We had a family friend that lived with my great-grandmother when she was alive. She was a depressive alcoholic and eventually died due to liver damage. My family believes that she probably had an underlying gender identity disorder and that contributed to her state of being. My family doesn't want to see me go down the same sort of path and just want me to be happy and successful.

This is my life at the moment. Check my youtube channel for more frequent updates.

08 September 2009

Catching Up

So I haven't been updating this blog as often as I probably should. Here's a brief recap of the past 2-3 weeks:

-Got my first injection on the 13th of August. Didn't really feel any pain from the injection itself but about 7 hours later, stood up and almost fell because my injection site leg suddenly buckled underneath me. Leg was very sore for the next few days.

-Was supposed to go have a nurse watch me inject myself on the 27th of August. Received a phone call about 5 minutes before I was ready to head out for my appointment telling me not to come in because the doctor was uncomfortable about something. Turns out the supervising doctor was uncomfortable with IM injections, especially self-injecting and wanted me to try the cream instead. My main concerns were effectiveness, mess, and cost. My NP did some research before she got back to me and even found a compounding pharmacy that would prepare the cream at a low cost. 2 months worth of cream for $39.

-Picked up the cream on the 4th of September and started it that night when I got home from work. Am now applying the cream in the mornings after I shower. After about a month, month and a half, I am supposed to go back to see my NP to discuss how I am feeling on the cream and do some bloodwork to evaluate how my body is responding to the cream... We'll see how it goes.

-Came out at work at the beginning of the week I started T. Everything is going pretty well at the moment. The majority of my coworkers are completely supportive of whatever I choose to do. One coworker apparently reacted very badly to being informed of what I am doing. We'll see how well that continues to go. My coworkers are working on calling me Em or Emmett when they address me and I am getting a new name tag made that says Emmett.

-I passed my test for Vet Tech certification but have run into a hang up on getting the actual license in my possession. Apparently the class I took in college for radiology is not sufficient for the board's radiation safety requirement... Meaning I have to take a 20 hour class held over 2 days to get a stupid certificate that says I have taken a class for radiation safety... Ugh. I am going to be bored off my ass. The board won't issue me my license until I fax them a copy of the certificate. Next class is scheduled for next week so at least there is that.

Other than that, not much is happening. I've been updating my youtube account more frequently than this one. Check it out for any happenings:

13 August 2009


I have a youtube channel where I will be posting videos in conjunction with this blog. It is mainly for tracking voice changes but I will be giving updates on life in general on there as well. If you want to check it out, here's the link:

I got my first injection today! Check out the youtube video for more information. Catch y'all later!

06 August 2009

I'm Alive! Really!

I apologize in advance for not having updated my blog in a while... Plenty to write about though! So without further ado, the updates!

To start things off, I finally came out to my family, namely my mom, on the 6th of July. She came back from the Europe trip and took Amber and I out to dinner. That was stressful... Wanted to talk to her in person that night but she was so exhausted that she passed out shortly after dinner. I ended up writing her a note that I slipped into her bag when I took it out to the car in the morning. She apparently took it rather hard even though it wasn't entirely unexpected. I gave her some time to process her emotions and everything else. My mom wrote me an email that Thursday (the 9th) but unfortunately I didn't see it until about 10 that night (stupid power went out for a couple hours that day... grrrr) and quickly wrote her a short email. Would have like to have said more in the email but I was rather exhausted... The short story of the whole coming out business with my mom is that she doesn't quite understand but is at least accepting. She is trying to use different pronouns and wasn't sure about the name... Amber and I told her that most of our friends that know just call me M... She seemed to toss it around a bit. So far she's kind of avoiding using a name... At least she's trying.

Next topic... I passed my test to become a certified veterinary technician! Now just have to finish the last few things for the state of Oregon and then it will be official.

And last but not least... I saw the nurse practitioner who will be getting me started on T. Got to get blood drawn for some blood work prior to starting T but the prescription will be called in shortly. I go back next Thursday for the first injection and to be taught how to do self-injections! Things are moving fast now! Everything is finally starting to fall into place... Need to start the paperwork to begin the name change process. I plan on telling work after my first injection. Amber helped me take pre-T measurements, pics, and a video clip showing me prior to T. I plan to starting doing clips periodically to see the difference with T. Now that I'm actually going to be physically starting the transitioning process, I promise to update my blog more frequently. On that note, I leave you with the clip of me now:

05 July 2009

It's been awhile...

Alright, so I got caught up in studying for the test and life in general... Plus I couldn't really come up with something to make a blog post out of. Still having a difficult time with that so this post will mainly be a catch-up sort of post.

First off, the vet tech test is finished. Now it's just a matter of waiting for the results to come out, which will be in another 4-6 weeks...

Second, my girlfriend and I had to euthanize our old girl on the 27th of June. Her pain meds weren't really doing much for her anymore and we could tell it was time. The day we decided to let her go was one of the better days she had had for quite some time. Amber spoiled her with food that day while I worked (have to work a half-day on Saturdays) and when I came home, I played ball with her and cuddled with her. One of the vets I work with came out to the house so we didn't have to take her into the clinic where Jonna always stressed. We gave her some sedation so everything would go really smooth and the sedation kicked in very quickly... Quicker than sedation given in the muscle usually takes. We figure there must have been something else going on with her like a mass somewhere. We said our goodbyes and held her as she passed away. After she was gone, we let our younger dog, Piper, come out and see her so he would know she was gone. He was pretty depressed the next morning and wanted cuddles the entire day. We're all doing better now and it was for the best.

Third, my mom and sister are out of the country and I will be picking up my mom from the airport tomorrow (sister doesn't come back for another month). This will also be the time that I tell my mom that I am transitioning... We'll play it by ear and see how things work out. If there is a good time to do this in person, I'll do it then. If there isn't a time before she drives back home, I have a letter that I will slip into her suitcase for her to read when she gets home... Either way, I will be coming out to my mom this week. Here's to hoping everything goes okay... Also, probably going to be starting T within the next month or two. Just need to make an appointment with the doctor/nurse practitioner couple my counselor recommended. Amber just went to them for a routine visit and while she was there, asked them if they would be able to get me started on T... Turns out, they've helped other FtMs in the past... Things are looking good from that prospective.

We went rafting with a group of my coworkers and their significant others yesterday and had a blast. I was a little bit nervous as I have not come out at work and was going to be wearing board shorts and a muscle shirt. I stopped shaving months ago and the female coworkers are very feminine and straight in every sense of the word. Things went well though and I was in a raft with my one male coworker (excluding the vets), his girlfriend and sister, sister's friend, and Amber. We all had so much fun, especially when we decided to splash the other raft. Damn I'm glad I wasn't in that raft... You would have thought those girls came to the river to stay dry... Had so much fun that Amber and I are thinking of going out in a smaller raft sometime soon.

I think that is all that I have to talk about for the moment. Looking back, I guess I had more to write about than I thought... Now that life is calming down, I'll try to update this blog more frequently.

21 May 2009

Life at the moment...

Wow, it's been a long time since I updated my blog... Oops... Life kinda got in the way.

Since I last updated, I filled out the patient questionnaire and received an estimate for top surgery by Dr. Brownstein. I was quoted $8650 for a double incision chest reconstruction surgery. Ouch. On the plus side, I won't have to fly out anywhere as San Francisco is about 6 1/2 hours from where I live. I am having trouble figuring out how to finance the surgery. Just applied to about 2 weeks ago... Got a letter from them yesterday saying that they were unable to give me a loan because they were unable to verify my address or phone number. Why won't places accept that there are actual addresses that have 1/2 in them (such as 555 1/2)... They do actually exist! I live at one of them! Going to have to give them a call to dispute this... So right now I am unsure whether to schedule surgery and work on getting a loan secured before the surgery or wait. Top sugery is the one thing that I absolutely without a doubt want to do. If someone came up to and told me I could only do one thing in my transitioning, I would choose top surgery with no hesitation. Sure I want to take T and at some point get some sort of bottom surgery but I would be willing to wait. My chest is the one thing that is preventing me from passing as male well! Sorry for the mini-rant... I feel very strongly about my chest...

In other aspects on my life... I was bit on my wrist by a cat at work a little over a week and a half ago. Damn thing swelled up rather spectacularly... Actually went to see the doctor for that one. In less than 24 hours, it was well swollen and I got some purulent fluid out of it... Didn't want to play with that one considering how close it was to my joint. I had to get an antibiotic injection and a tetanus shot as well. I was put on massive doses of antibiotics that knocked me flat on my ass. For the first 4 or 5 days, I was in bed by 9:30pm which is very usual for me. Usually I am up until 10:30-11:00pm. Wrist finally stopped swelling 4 days after the initial injury. The time that it was swollen sucked. Of course the cat had to bite me on my left wrist (my everything hand) and make everything almost impossible. Made it through that trial and the wrist is almost completely healed.

Haven't made an appointment to see the doctor/nurse practitioner couple who may be able to get me my T... Wanted to wait until I was completely healed to go see another doctor... I'll probably give them a call here soon to see if they will even be able to do that... Money is a little tight right now so I don't want to waste my money.

I have another counseling appointment on the 28th of this month... I'm supposed to write sample letters that I would send to my parents and grandparents. I've been thinking lately that it would be easiest to write a letter... I'm very afraid of losing my family and don't want to be right there if they decide they don't want to have anything to do with me. Definitely want to send a letter to my grandparents since my grandma is so difficult... Guess I will have to sit down and write those this weekend.

I think that is all for my life at the moment... Posts may be sporadic until after the 19th of June. I'm studying my ass off for the test I will take on the 19th to become a certified technician. Hope everything goes well.

07 May 2009

Happy Day!

Alright, so I had my first ever counseling appointment today and things went very well. J is easy to talk to and was pretty laid back... didn't have to censor myself when I was talking with her. Today was basically a getting-to-know-you type of day with her asking questions about what the people in my life are like and just some things that popped up while talking about my past. She had some information that she had printed off for me prior to my appointment and wrote down some names and groups that I could check out. J was very glad that I had already started a blog and joined some yahoo groups. She was also impressed with my knowledge on T and could tell that I had been doing my research for a while. We talked for an hour and scheduled another appointment for 3 weeks. So the visit went very well. The best part? She told me I could start T! She gave me the names of a doctor/nurse practitioner couple that she has worked with in the past and told me they would probably be able to help me with obtaining the T. So I guess the next step is to make an appointment over there to talk to them and see if they can write me my first prescription or if I will have to go to an endocrinologist initially.

On another note, after the happiness resulting from the counseling session, I came home to a package. Or rather two packages... My new packers came in today! I'll have to let you know how they work out.

Also went to the gym with a friend (Z) today and will have to get a membership. We workout well together as we keep pushing ourselves in a sort of competition with each other. Ought to help a lot with my motivation issues...

So, a very good day and hope that the upcoming days will be just as good... Guess I'l have to make the pre-T video soon as it appears I will be on T sooner than originally thought...

02 May 2009


Ok, so the therapist I was going to see ended up not panning out. Schedules just didn't mesh. Her last appointment on Saturdays was at 1:00pm and I didn't get off work until then, plus I would have had a 20-30 minute drive on top of that. She also didn't have any prior experience with transsexuals but was willing to work with me. After things weren't going to work out with her, I started looking again at therapists in my area and found one I had somehow overlooked. This therapist (J) has worked with transsexuals before and even helped to start more awareness for mental health professionals in this area. The fee is going to be higher than I was hoping to pay, especially considering my insurance will not cover anything trans-related period. She also follows the HBSOC which was worrying me at first. However I was looking at the SOC Sixth Edition and the standards aren't as harsh/restrictive as previous editions. In the span of about an hour and a half, I was communicating with J via email and now have a counseling appointment scheduled for this Thursday at 1:00pm.

On another note, I ordered my first packers yesterday. I'll update everyone when I get them or when I finish with my counseling appointment on Thursday.

27 April 2009

Binder Review

Okay, so the binder definitely has its pros and cons... I got the 997 Double Front Compression Shirt from I really like how flat this can get my chest. It is going to be nigh impossible to get a shirt that completely flattens my chest considering I have DD-DDD breasts. The overall fit of the shirt is good. However, the shirt is a bit long for me (kinda short over here) and seems to keep rolling up to a spot a little higher than my hips with movement. My job requires quite a bit of movement, especially up and down and lifting animals varying in weight. It really hurts if I don't get a chance to go to the restroom to adjust things for a while (extra compression on areas that don't need compression). The shirt is really dificult to pull over the head until you get used to it (took me 2-3 days to be able to do it on my own) then it is just a pain in the ass. When I first started wearing the binder, the sides cut in just below the armpits and created rub sores. I was watching one of Ty's early videos (DominoAyeJae on youtube) and he had some tips on the wearing of binders. He wore a tight shirt under the binder and that really helped with the chafing under the arms. Also wearing more layers helped with appearances. I tried the shirt under the binder trick and my skin was so much happier. I do notice a slight restriction in lung capacity (surprise, surprise) but nothing unbearable or even hindering.

So some issues with the binder but an overall good product. It does a pretty good job for larger breasted individuals. When the shirt isn't rolling up or chafing, it is actually semi-comfortable for a binder. Still a pain in the ass having to bind though... Can't wait until I can feasibly afford surgery.

20 April 2009


Just got my first binder in the mail today. Put it on pretty much right away... Amber had a bit to do with that. Definitely needed her help to put it on. I don't think I will be able to put it on by myself for a while... planning to get a membership at the local YMCA and going to work out with one of my friends. The binder really helps. Without the binder, the widest part of my chest is about 44-45 inches. With the binder, my chest goes to about 40-41 inches. Not bad for having a DD-DDD chest. The look on Amber's face after it was on was pretty good. She told me that she had been thinking that I really look the part now that my breasts are fairly well constricted. Followed by "Damn, he's hot..." Amber also told me that it is so much easier now to call me Emmett and by male pronouns now that I don't have big old breasts staring at her as she is talking. I think I am looking the part more now and the male in me is starting to really shine through. At least now I have something to help me disguise my female parts until I can have them completely and permanently removed. We'll see what the reaction is at work tomorrow...

16 April 2009

Therapist Update!

So I heard back from the therapist today. She has worked with gay and lesbian couples and individuals but does not have experience with transsexual counseling specifically. She is willing and comfortable working with me thorough this time in my life. I think I will email her back and schedule an appointment once I have my insurance straightened out (work changed insurances again and we are still waiting for the rest of the information to be given to us). I don't know how my current insurance is regarding transsexual issues. May need to see if she will use different codes so insurance will process the claim... Hmmm, got to talk to the office manager next time I see her. I'll keep y'all update as things progress.

Also been thinking about doing an audio or video clip just to show what I'm like pre-T... Have to play around with that thought some more...

15 April 2009


May have found a therapist in my area so I can get letters for T and surgery. Waiting for a response back from the lady. Here's hoping.

Also, if anyone has anything they would like me to write about, please let me know. My email address is or you can leave me a comment.

02 April 2009

Feeling Down

Feeling kinda down tonight. Sometimes I wonder if I am enough or will ever be enough for the people in my life, mainly Amber. Got into an argument tonight concerning not listening/remembering things when we talk. There are times that I just cannot remember the things we have talked about, not through willfulness at all. She says things about I don't care what she says and I just don't care (which is completely not true). I love her deeply and care more about her than anything else. There are times that I wonder if I am good enough for her, if I can satisfy her desires and needs. There are times I fear I will lose her to a bio-male. I can't afford to even get a breast reduction surgery and I know it will be a while before I can feasibly start transitioning. I also know that some of what I feel is due to my inability to begin the transition with the exception of close friends and family.

Arguments with Amber always seem to leave me feeling down. Initially in the midst of the argument, I feel anger but as I start to calm down, I start looking at myself critically to see what I could change about myself to avoid arguments like these in the future. I suppose lately I have been looking at myself too critically because it seems like whenever I start thinking about myself, my appearance is the first thing that pops into my mind. I wonder if she would still have these problems with a bio-male and start to doubt myself. I know she is attracted to me for who I am inside, not my outward appearance (mostly) but there are times I have a hard time believing in myself.

Sorry for the emo post. Just had to get things off my chest. I'm going to go to bed now and see if I can start tomorrow with a better disposition.

27 March 2009

Life so far...

Life has been sort of monotonous lately. Work, home, sleep, wake up, repeat. Although I did apply to take the national test to become a certified veterinary technician and just got my letter in the mail. I will be taking the test in June so I better start really studying. Major fiasco during the application process but everything finally got straightened out, luckily. This weekend I'm going to be going to visit my family to spend time with my brother as his birthday was this last week. Going to go have some fun at the fun center with him. Nothing really new has been happening in regards to transitioning. Got some new shirts for the summer and Amber threw out some of my old shirts that I never wear and/or were more feminine. Other than that, things have been pretty quite on the home front. Catch you all later.

14 March 2009

Coming Out

So last night I was talking to my sister K about transsexuals, hoping to find out how she felt about the subject and find a way to break the news to her. She is a very open-minded person (especially for not even being out of high school yet in a very conservative town) and I felt that I would be more able to gauge my family's reaction based on her reaction. I hadn't really intended to come out to her at that time. I was just going to give her time to digest what we were talking about and have a few more discussions before I told her. However, things didn't really work out like I had planned. After talking for a little bit, K came right out and asked me. So I told her yes and also that I wasn't ready to tell the rest of the family. She assured me that she wouldn't say anything. She asked a few more questions and told me she was maybe a little shocked but proud of me because she didn't think she would be able to do what I am doing. Also works out for her that she is very much a girl... We talked for a little bit longer and she told me she loved me before we both signed off for the night.

So far, things are going well in terms of coming out to the family. Hopefully they continue to go well. I am expecting the most opposition from my grandma... We'll see how everything goes. Still don't know how I am going to tell them. At least with my sister, we have already talked about equality and gays and lesbians so it was a little easier to find an opening. Here's hoping everything goes okay...

24 February 2009


So things have been pretty good in my life lately. I've just been flat out exhausted after last week at work. Wasn't the greatest week I've ever worked. Usually if I have any bad times at work it is only a day here and there. Last week kicked my ass though. Probably had something to do with getting bit by a dog and then scratched to hell by two different cats (I love my job, I really do, even if it is a little dangerous). Things are going better this week (despite getting scratched again today) especially after I got enough sleep.

Found out a couple of days ago that some of my coworkers are more open-minded then I thought. Including one of the more religious people there. I was pretty shocked. Two of my coworkers and I were in the break room having lunch and R was reading the article in People magazine about the transgender mayor in Silverton, OR. She made a comment about the article and I made mention of the fact that the guy didn't seem to much of a transsexual. B agreed and said he was more of a crossdresser. The guy referred to himself as he, still went by the male name Stu, and basically still considered himself male. Just liked to dress as a woman. Anyways, the conversation turned to transsexuals in general and both R and B had no problems with transsexuals. B said she really doesn't care what someones orientation or identity is, she just didn't want to hear the details. Now the only question is, are they really OK with it or does it change if it is someone they know? Guess we'll find out at some point. So all in all things are going well right now.

31 January 2009

Bad Night

So tonight really sucked. Everything started of well, despite the fact that I'm on my period. Amber and I were over with one of our friends, J, and we were just having a good time all around. Watched a movie, went to Coldstone for ice cream, came back and watched another movie. And then we pulled out Risk. I should probably preface this by saying that I am a very competitive person. I had never played Risk before but I remember trying to play it as a younger kid and trying to read the directions hurt my brain. Things started of well - I captured Europe and was doing ok. Everything started to go sour when Amber was only attacking me. My gameplay started to deteriorate as both Amber and J were attacking me. At one point Amber called me a bitch (in a very joking manner - I believe she was saying something like that's right, get the hell out of my Japan) and I just kind of internally snapped. I had to fight really hard to hold on to my temper and my emotions. I had a mini confrontation with her and just kind of withdrew inside myself. She texted me as we're all sitting there playing the game asking what was wrong and I told her that frustration from losing ground coupled with her attacking only me, calling me a bitch, and being hormonal just set me off. She realized how that could do something and apologized. I continued to get the shit kicked out of me and eventually just gave up and did suicide missions just to end my need to participate. After the incident, I was struggling to maintian my hold on my emotions as I kept feeling like I was going to just burst into tears, something I absolutely refuse to do in front of others just because of hormones. Even now I'm having a hard time containing my emotions. Hormones really suck. I've just been kind of despondent as well. I'm not really sure why exactly things hit me so hard tonight but whatever it was was really harsh.

30 January 2009


So I decided on a new name last night. I chose the name Emmett Reid. Amber really likes it as she can still call me M for short. I was in such a good mood at work today and I think deciding on a male name had a good deal to do with it. A few of my coworkers were actually remarking on it. Probably a good thing to be happy about a name you've chosen.

29 January 2009

Possible Names

I've been looking at male names and so far the ones Amber and I like are (in no particular order):

Reid (middle name?)


So, I've been thinking. The overwhelming majority of my relationship up to this point have been with guys. And even though I've been dating Amber exclusively for over 2 years now, I don't consider myself to be a lesbian in any way. I irritates the hell out of me when people try to pin that label on me. It just doesn't feel right. These people don't know my past and are making assumptions based on my current relationship. I know there are probably ignorant people out there who would try to say that I was in hetero relationships in the past just to hide who I really was. Granted there were a couple of times when I felt a slight attraction to some of my female friends growing up but I never acted on those attractions. Just didn't really pull at me hard enough. I can say with absolute certainty that Amber is the only woman I have ever truly loved. I knew I was in trouble within the first month of us dating. I'm sure my grandma is one of those people who thinks I am a lesbian and I just shudder at that term and me being joined together. In all actuality, I think my grandma is going to be my biggest opposition in revealing who I really am, just because of how she has become. Sometimes when I think of the people at work who call me a lesbian behind my back, I seriously think about telling them. But I'm not ready yet. I work with too many uber-Christians. They probably already have some sort of issue with my current living situation now. At least they act normally in a professional setting. I think there will be mixed feelings among my coworkers. There are a couple of people who I think will just blink and say OK but others won't be some accepting. I'll worry more about that when it comes time.

28 January 2009

Past Life

So I told a little bit about what the purpose of this blog is for. Now I should probably talk about my life up to this point.

I grew up as a bit of a recluse in South Lake Tahoe - didn't have very many friends. I didn't really mind at all as I was always exploring the forest around our home and doing things girls generally don't do. I climbed the trees and built tepee forts with my dad, helped my mom build the garden, and just had fun. I hated wearing dresses as a kid and wore them as infrequently as possible. Dresses just got in the way. You couldn't run and climb trees in a dress. Besides the boys didn't have to wear them so why did I? Even at school I was always hanging with the guys. I remember my best friends were Kellen and Hayes. We used to catch crickets at recess when the weather was right for them and had fun running and playing in the snow during winter. In 4th or 5th grade, one of my female friends invited me and a bunch of other girls over for a birthday party and I spent most of the time playing with her brother. I just felt uncomfortable around groups of girls. I joined the Girl Scouts and as much as I enjoyed the activities we did, I don't think I was ever truly comfortable around them.

In junior high, I played basketball with the guys just about every day at lunch during 6th grade. As I grew up more, I started to realize that girls weren't supposed to play with the boys and slowly started to find other activities just so I wouldn't be talked about. I was very uncomfortable drawing attention to myself - still am to a certain extent. I think the only times I wore a dress during these times were the formal times likes music concerts and graduation. I was still involved with Girl Scouts at this point and we were supposed to go on a cruise in 8th grade. Had to get formal wear for the occasion. My mom and I went shopping for dresses and we found some pretty ones in colors I would actually wear... I think my sister has those dresses now. The trip got canceled and we ended up going to a fancy restaurant in town and later to see Les Miserable in SanFran. We took a group picture and I remember someone telling me to close my legs because I wasn't a guy. I also hated pictures being taken of me... I'm better about it now, but not by much as some people will tell you. When we went to SanFran, one of the girls did my hair and makeup for me because I didn't know how to do those things. I wasn't one of those girls whose moms wouldn't let them wear makeup - I just had no interest in it. I think the only reason I started shaving my legs was because the other girls were doing it. I started wearing a hat around during the middle school era and one of my friends asked if I was trying to become a boy. I think, looking back, that I was just trying to be like my dad. All through my life I have tried to be like my dad and at times it just spilled out far enough that people questioned me. I know girls are supposed to take after their mothers and boys after their fathers, and trust me I've picked up plenty from my mom, but I was constantly striving to be like dad. I can go really far into this subject but I think I'll save that for another post.

I think the thing I hated the absolute worst about growing up was getting boobs. I would have been happy with A cups, if that. Instead, I got fucking triple D cups. Even now, my boobs plague me. I have a difficult time concealing them and would really just rather have them gone. I'm going to get a binder from Underworks whenever my tax return gets here. Hopefully, that will work for me.

High school was pretty fun. I kind of stopped caring what people thought of how I acted or dressed. Probably didn't hurt that I joined NJROTC and was wearing a uniform once a week. I was constantly showing up the guys. I wanted to prove that I could be just as good as they were and most of the time I succeeded. I think I was probably the happiest during this time. I excelled in ROTC and was one of the only 1st years to get a position on the staff. We moved before 10th grade and my parents settled on a house in the district of the only school with ROTC in the area. I am really lucky to have parents who did that for me. They passed up many houses that would have been good because they weren't in the right district. I ended up going to the rival school of my mom's old high school. I loved this school. The music department was awesome even if the ROTC wasn't the best unit I had been in. Going into the new ROTC program, I was the most decorated cadet there and I advanced quickly through the ranks, eventually becoming the commanding officer in my senior year. But the music program actually had a marching band aspect and we got to wear uniforms. They also had a Victorian Band that played during the Christmas season and I joined in 11th grade. That was the year I had to wear the dreaded pink dress... It was really more of a hot pink/fuschia color and I hated it. It was the only dress left that would fit me. I hated dresses to begin with and the add one of my most hated colors, whew that was not fun. I was very self-conscious every time I had to wear it. I envied the guys their suits and top hats. Hell, I was only wearing a dress because I had to. Somehow I made it through the season. The next year one of my friends was very kind and told the lady in charge of costumes that I would rather go out naked than wear that dress again. I had never said that but... it worked. So I happily chose a much better dress. I actually kind of liked my dress that year, despite it being a dress. My mom also made me a beautiful prom dress that year too. I can count the number of times I wore a dress in my final year of high school on one hand. I didn't even wear a dress for senior portraits or the senior year book photo. I wore my ROTC uniform in its full glory for the yearbook photo and wore a suit-type ensemble for portraits. I haven't worn a dress since graduation and it feels good.

When I enrolled in the community college, I played around with makeup for awhile. I wore it fairly regularly for a span of about a month when I was trying to attract a guy's attention. Gradually though, I just stopped wearing it and returned to my T-shirts and jeans. I became more comfortable with myself when I started dating Amber. Amber is the 1st girl I have ever dated and everything feels so right with her. It feels like something has just snapped into placed since we've been dating. She didn't mind if I wore guys clothes. She thought I looked hot in just about anything I wore. Telling my mom that I was now dating my roommate was very difficult. I was so nervous when I decided to tell her. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever done because I didn't know how she would react. I didn't know if she would tell me to get and never come back or accept it. My mom had told me about the time when my biological father had told her that they would be competing for dates when they had ended things. So I was very nervous. Lucky for me, she accepted. After I moved to a new town, I cut my hair really short - boy short. I had hair that went down to my ass. Family wasn't too pleased about that. I am really nervous about how they are going to take my latest revelation. Granted my mom took things really well, but how is she going to take this? I've read blogs of other FtM men who came out to their parents about being a lesbian and their parents taking it well and then cutting off communication when they came out as being trans. My family is such a big part of my life that I am terrified of losing them. I think this is even worse than having to come out as being in a same-sex relationship. Eventually I will have to think of some way to tell them. Hopefully they will look back at my life and accept me for who I am.

27 January 2009

An Introduction

I'd just like to start by saying hi to everyone and introduce myself. I am a 22-year-old biological female who has never really identified with being female. This blog is to record my personal transition from female to male and is a result of my girlfriend's instigation. Hopefully this blog will be a place for me to write down my feelings and thoughts throughout my journey to become a transman. If you have any questions for me, let me know and I'll do my best to answer them. With that, I'm going to conclude this post and write some more later.