Feeling kinda down tonight. Sometimes I wonder if I am enough or will ever be enough for the people in my life, mainly Amber. Got into an argument tonight concerning not listening/remembering things when we talk. There are times that I just cannot remember the things we have talked about, not through willfulness at all. She says things about I don't care what she says and I just don't care (which is completely not true). I love her deeply and care more about her than anything else. There are times that I wonder if I am good enough for her, if I can satisfy her desires and needs. There are times I fear I will lose her to a bio-male. I can't afford to even get a breast reduction surgery and I know it will be a while before I can feasibly start transitioning. I also know that some of what I feel is due to my inability to begin the transition with the exception of close friends and family.
Arguments with Amber always seem to leave me feeling down. Initially in the midst of the argument, I feel anger but as I start to calm down, I start looking at myself critically to see what I could change about myself to avoid arguments like these in the future. I suppose lately I have been looking at myself too critically because it seems like whenever I start thinking about myself, my appearance is the first thing that pops into my mind. I wonder if she would still have these problems with a bio-male and start to doubt myself. I know she is attracted to me for who I am inside, not my outward appearance (mostly) but there are times I have a hard time believing in myself.
Sorry for the emo post. Just had to get things off my chest. I'm going to go to bed now and see if I can start tomorrow with a better disposition.
02 April 2009
Feeling Down
Posted by Emmett at 21:20
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2 comments:
I know you've acknowledged that a lot of this has to do with your own issues about yourself - and I know we've talked about that before, your own dysphoria coloring your outlook on events around you - but I feel the need to reassure you that you will NEVER lose me to anyone, ESPECIALLY not a bio-male. I care about J but he's not you. :)
And yes, you're very satisfactory - more than, in most cases! I didn't choose to be poly because I was unsatisfied with you. Having someone else besides you is just a cherry on the sundae - the sundae's perfect as is; the cherry's just a bonus. ;)
I love you!
This is a great blog, thank you! I was looking for breast reduction surgeons recently and ran into The Patients Advantage. They have a great way to find the best surgeons and it is completely free. Check them out (www.ThePatientsAdvantage.com).
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